JOKES:
44 Days
At a bar one night, a group of blondes walked in chanting:
''44 days! 44 days!''
One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked:
''Why are you chanting 44 days?''
She set down the puzzle on the counter and said:
''A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months, but we completed it in 44 days!'''
The Barber Shop
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Hair Growth
A gay guy walks into a barber shop. He says to the barber. "Sir how can I make hair grow on my chest?"
The barber replies, "Go home and put Vaseline on your chest real thick..."
That night the young man does as the barber told him. His partner climbs into bed and reaches over to hold him and feels the slime on his chest..he says, "What the hell is this?"
The other man replies, "The barber told me that if I put Vaseline on my chest hair would grow..."
His partner replies, "You stupid son of a bitch, if that were the case you would have a damn pony tail hanging out of your ass."
A Trucker's Breakfast
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."
Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"
The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.
He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"
A Bachelor's Cookbook
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish."
Hoya
It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
Lena Returns Home
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
Jack
Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"
"She knows now," Jack replied.
The Blacksmith
An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
The Check Out
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
The New Employee
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
The Perfect Mate
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
The Gofer Boy
Porky was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general 'go-fer' at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said.
The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Good," Porky said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
The Unexpected Pick Up
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together."
"How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"
"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"
The Familly Potato
One night, the women in the Potato family were preparing dinner. Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the preparation of the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, "I'm getting married!"
The other Potato daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" said Mother Potato.
As they resumed the meal preparation, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato. The middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
Once again the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Umm... I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her sisters before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"That's wonderful. Who are you marrying?" asked Mother Potato.
"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!" the youngest Potato daughter replied.
"PETER JENNINGS!?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
The Diner
Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.
The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.
The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.
"BABY"
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least ,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Glad to be drunk
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
New prefix
If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:
Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Worst Things On A First Date
I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem ... but the last couple of weeks I've gotten it under control.
I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden ... but could I borrow five hundred dollars?
Go ahead and Super Size - I found spare change in the sofa today.
Something tells me that you're very special ... but with medication I can usually ignore it.
I don't see my ex-girlfriend that much ... thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice."
Do you want to play doctor? That'll be five hundred dollars.
Wait till my wife hears about this!
I had a good time tonight. I'd love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.
WWLC 2000 Report
There was this report from the 2000 World Women's Lib Conference.
The first speaker, a lady from England, stood up and told the assembly: "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. After the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he'd have to do it for himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb!"
The crowd cheered!
The second lady, a Russian, stood and said, "I, too, went home and talked to my husband. I told Ivan I'd no longer be doing his laundry and that he'd have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. After the 2nd day, I saw nothing. But on the third day, not only had he done all of his laundry, but mine as well -- AND he even ironed!!!"
The crowd went nuts!
The third lady, a redneck from Arkansas stood up and said, "I went right home and told my shiftless hubby, Cletus, that, by Gawd and Sunny Jesus I wuzn't doing no mo' of his cookin', cleanin', or shoppin', and he wuz gonna have to do it all fer hisself."
The crowd got to its feet, applauding and screamin, "You go, girl, you go!"
"Then I tole him, 'Cletus', I ain't gonna be cleanin' them damned crawfish, giggin' no damned bullfrogs, or checkin' them damned catfish lines, neither!"
The crowd was dancing in the aisles, singing, "We Shall Overcome!"
When it got calm, she said, "Afta the furst day, I didn't see nuthin. After the second day, I didn't see nuthin'.
But you know, on the thurd day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye . . . "
X-Files Top 10 Never Heard
The Top Ten lines you will probably never hear on The X-Files:
10. 'The alien is speaking, Agent Mulder....I think it wants to phone home.'
9. 'Sure we could have these people killed to protect what they know... but isn't that a little harsh?'
8. 'I've seen this one before, Scully. His name is Casper and he's what we call a 'friendly' ghost.
7. 'Look under the mask... this is no swamp monster... it's Mr. Handy, the owner of the old country store!'
6. 'My Lord! This conspiracy involves all three of the Gabor sisters!'
5. 'Well, Agent Mulder...you've caught us. We'll cooperate fully, of course.
4. 'You'll be happy to hear, Assistant Director Skinner, that I've switched over to the nicotine patch.'
3. 'The president wants to see you two immediatly. His cheesburger's possesed.
2. 'And it would have worked, too, if it hadn't been for you meddlin' FBI agents!'
1. 'Gosh, I guess we were wrong... the government did have our best interests at heart, after all!'
You Are What You Eat
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."
You BASTARD !
A man is in court for murder and the judge says,
"You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
Then a voice at the back of the court yells,
"You bastard!"
The judge glares and then continues,
"You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
Again the voice at the back of the court shouts,
"You bastard!"
The judge angrily addresses the voice and says,
"Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt. What is the problem anyway?"
The man at the back of the court who's been shouting calls out,
"Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastardand, every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one! ..."
Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and shouts:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor"
Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
The 25 Truths of Life...
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
Pizza
Q: A homsi ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Fish
How did the homsi try to kill the fish? He put it under the water.
Busy HOMSI
Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A HOMSI BUSY ALL DAY??
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Laugh
Q: How do you make a homsi laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Orange
Q: Why did the homsi stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Busy all day
Q: How do you keep a homsi busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Ice Cubes
Q: Why can't homsis make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Bird
Q: How did the homsi try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.
Lebanese man
There was a Lebanese man, a Jewish man and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through the Province. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Lebanese man were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Jewish man had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Jewish man was thinking: The Lebanese fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead. Claudia Schiffer was thinking: The Jewish fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Lebanese man and got slapped for it. And the Lebanese was thinking: This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap the Jewish bastard again.
Learning
Q: What do you call a homsi in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Abed Abed comes to school one morning all beaten up, his face all blue, and swollen. The teacher asked him:
Teacher: "What happened to you poor Abed?"
Abed: "Our house is very small so I have to sleep with my parents. Yesterday night, after turning off the lights, my mom said: 'Chou?' and my dad replied: 'Chou?' so I also replied 'Chou' and my parents beat me up!
The next day, Abed arrived at school also beaten up. Worried, the teacher asked him what has happened. Abed answers that the same thing happened. So the teacher thinks for a while and tells him not to answer 'Chou' tonight.
The day after, Abed arrives totally beaten up, even more than before. The teacher surprised asked him what happened? Abed: "Well, when my mom said 'Chou?' and my dad replied 'Chou?', I stayed quiet as you said. After 10 minutes my dad said 'Gité?' my mom replied 'Naam git' so I said : 'Wein kinto?' !!!
Homsi Homsi #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Homsi #2: "No, who wrote it?"
Twins What about the homsi wife who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
Time Homsi: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
Homsi: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the wierdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
Left! A homsi was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, he said to himself "oh well !" and turned around and drove home.
Women of the World One day, the women of the world got together and decided not to work anymore. No more laundry, no more cooking, no more cleaning, etc.
So they all went to their respective countries and homes and decided to meet again the following week to report progress.
A week later, the French lady is telling about her experience: I went home and told my husband that I will not do housework from now on. I will not clean, will not cook. The first day I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything.
The third day, he brought me breakfast in bed and cooked a delicious meal for lunch.
Then came the British lady's turn: I went home and told my husband that I will not do housework from now on. I will not clean, I will not cook. The first day I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. The third day, he went to the supermarket and did all our grocery shopping, came back and cleaned the whole house.
Em el 'Abed came last with her story:
Ana reht 3al beit. Eltello, ya aboul 3abed, ana ma-ba'a rah eshteghel. Ma-ba'a otbokh, ma-ba'a kannes, ma-ba'a ekwi. Awwal yom ma sheft shi. Tani yom ma sheft shi.
Telit yom, sort shouf shwai bi 3aini el shmal.
teacher During the kawa3ed class, the teacher (T) asked Abed (A):
T: Abed, i3rob "Daraba el-Oustazou et-Tilmiza"
A: Daraba; Fi3l Ijraam; El-Oustazou: Ibn 7haraam, Et-Tilimiza: Ya 7haraam
Claudia Schiffer
One day Claudia Schiffer was visiting Beirut. Accompanied by a guide she saw all the touristy attractions. The guide then asked her if there is anything else else she wanted to see, She said that she wanted to meet a typical Lebanese. The guide decided that the most typical Lebanese is Abu El Abed (AA), so he took here to AA who was having his nargila at his favorite coffee shop near Rawcheh.
In the conversation with AA, Claudia remarked that she loves Lebanon, but the only problem is that there are too many religions and sects in Lebanon. "There is only one God, why have him represented by so many sects and religions fighting each other," she remarked.
AA replied, "You are wrong Claudia there is more than one God.
Claudia wondered, "What do you mean there is more than one God?"
AA, "Of course, there is more than one God, do you mean to tell me that the God who created you is the same one that created Em El Abed.?"
Movie Q: Why did 18 homsis go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!!
